IT'S A WALKOFF!!!!

Since the ladies on American idol aren't holding my captive interest tonight I thought I'd let my vitamins scrap it out a little bit and have their own  Nutritional supplement competition.  

I've always been interested in holistic nutrition and try to keep up with the latest recommendations in preventative nutrients to keep this rapidly aging bod of mine afloat as long as possible. It also comes in handy when I start throwing around advice to my friends and fam like I'm a pimp for the corner health food store.  "You know what you need to do is go down to the such and so and get yourself some probiotics for that bowel shufflin' thing you've got going on."  Or, "Maybe it's the mycotoxins in all that corn your eating. What you need to do is hit up the corner such and so for some anti-fungals"... and so on.  Wow, I'm a little obnoxious when I condense all my bossiness down together like this.  Ha HO! I just keep learning.

In the actual food department I'm not as good with the follow through, but I'll admit it confuses me (and I'm also a little lazy in the kitcharama).  I do believe our produce is not quite the power source of nutrition it once was, considering our soil is depleted of its original veggie making goodness.  And then there's all the tampering with the meat, eggs and milk that makes you grow a beard and big boobs simultaneously if you consume all three in the same meal.  I HAVE ENOUGH HORMONE TROUBLE PEOPLE!  Whoops, sorry that may have been instigated  by the estrogen in the chicken and dumplings I had for dinner.

This is the part where I hear you say "I know.  Right?"  if you've taken to that type of talk.  I'm much less valley than that. I'm holding firm in my response of "Yepper pepper pie!" when I want to say "Yes, you are correct!" I think it's more street personally.

Back to the business at hand-comparing vitamins.  The first and reigning champion I had been running my mouth off about for the better part of last year is this dear little liquid supplement called Vibe.  

Vibe and I first met at the corner such and so and let me tell you it had me at the poster in the window!  I had to try this drink that was so chock full of antioxidants and promises.  I must admit I was taken aback by its price ($60.00 per monthly supply) but I decided to give it a go and I was AMAZED at the new energy and benefits I was receiving from this.  Of course after so many months of this wonderful thing with a not so wonderful price, I started taking it for granted and more and more sparingly to save a buck here and there.  Well, that led to a month on, a month off just to see what differences I'd notice in myself.  After this last month off, I really started noticing I'm reverting back to my old ways of crippling around, nap taking, fuzzy brain, numb limbs, depression, headaches that type of deal.  "Did she say she was 38 or 88?" 

Surrendering, yesterday I hobbled troll-like into the such and so to get some "happy juice" but they didn't have it.  Said it was getting too expensive.  This is where I gave a half hearty "Yepper pepper pie!" in agreement and the kind sir pointed me to a Natures Plus liquid product saying it was their version of Vibe.  And, even though it lacks the catchy name, it had me at $35.60. 

 

So IT'S ON!!  They've both come out on the catwalk with their fiercest poses ready to take wellness on!  We shall see who becomes  The Shans Next Top Supplement!

"I hear she's got three toes."

WHEWWWW!  I'm alone.  Well, there are two little darlings sleeping upstairs, but down here it's just me and I'm totally and completely...ok, yes technically there are two dogs at my feet and I believe our friend Opie(our semi-pet possum. You'd have to have read my myspace blog for that story) may be below my feet under the house. But you get what I'm saying right? Alone, and quite still.

 I'm simply worn slick having just had one semi-stranger come for dinner and later(He and Hubby are at the movies now) an overnighter.  Has my reclusive and retardant behavior really declined to this level?  I sit now disgusted that one simple dinner guest can throw me off my game so effortlessly. 

 You see, at home I'm typically quite the introvert.  I think this is because once I'm home I just peel off the outer layer of capability and gush out into all angles of lumpy laziness.  I can be disgustingly slothful.  There I said it.  It's truly a characteristic that I despise about myself.  Yet, many days I'm challenged(negatively- not olympic hopeful style) by movement and inspiration.  It takes me hours longer than the average person to do any one thing and sometimes I don't do more than that thing if ole lumpy has her way . Even days when I appear to have energy, A.D.D. combines with the slo-mo effect and carves such a wedge out of my morning that I feel like a time traveler.

  

My simple goal for this particular afternoon was to tidy up a room for our dinner/overnight guest (a friend of Jamey's from out of town) to sleep in. And make tacos for dinner. This all seems normal and fine I'm sure.  At this point, I tried to ignore any food/lodging related anxiety I  would normally launch into and in the name of Christian hospitality I bucked up.  "You can do this silly girl."  I cooed at myself reassuringly.  "What's he gonna do, write up his stay in the local paper and mock all your obvious shortcomings?  Surely you have REAL problems you could dwell on as you tidy up this small....YOU THREE TOED SLOTH!  WHAT HAS EXPLODED UP IN HERE WHILE YOU SAT ON  YOUR CAN DOWNSTAIRS IN BLISSFUL INDIFFERENCE!!"  Yes, I had switched over to "visitor vision" and seen that every place I fixed my eyes upon needed some serious attention.

  

Now for you regular achievers out there, it was about an hours work and quite the non-event.  But this time lapsing heroine  was in a serious savin' face situation!  Slowly and methodically backward, I worked the rooms over giving them lots of looking and relooking before actually picking up a toy or turning on a vacuum.  "Yes, this is indeed a challenge." I told myself three octaves lower due to the speed I was going.  So for the next five hours I plodded through normal housework and had what I considered a good final product. 

 But this did not get my "simple" taco dinner anywhere closer to the table and by now it was almost Dandy's bedtime!  In another hour I had dinner made (perhaps due to J's prechopping of the salad fixin's) and the family of four plus one was fed.  

Do you see my trouble?  The world moves on without me!  I am clearly suffering a lack of kinesthetic ability that keeps me from the performance level necessary to keep a house on any given day.  I've just now blinked twice and that movie the guys went to is well over!  I am no longer alone.  Well, I'm still the only one physically awake now because they've come in, discussed a few things and scurried off to bed.  So, I'm just as alone as before only there are more sleeping people to list with the creatures. 

It's possible I may be caught in some kind of a vortex because I'm seeing a cyclical path forming here now. Could this be the same kind of problem I face each and every time I attempt something like this initially short little post.  Its a whirlpool of words isn't it?  That's it.  I've just got to find the straight lines and avoid the curvy ones now.  This blog is solving my every problem!  I will soon be up to speed and hosting huge parties here on a nightly basis. All fears be darned!  Oops, I need to be careful not to slip over into delusional now and refocus.  One foot in front of the other and stay the course! 

 

Addicted to Cornography

Hi  studs and ruffles!  Well I don't wear ruffles either so just relax.  You can't really take any of the pet names I come up with for serious or you'd probably have a serious complex!  We've had to deal with this as a family for a while now as I tend to just call out whatever word or phrase  that comes to mind (free association style) to get the job done.  I realize this is probably just a creative way to get around short term memory loss in a dignified (who am I kidding) manner.  But, you do what you can to keep the flow of conversation going on those half brain days now don'tcha?  There are times when I can't string a sensical sentence together so I just fill in the blanks with descriptions and hope whoever I'm talking to can patch it up neatly in their more cerebral minds as I stumble along. 

 In my early years of marriage I was once talking away to my Mother-in-law and I replaced so many standard words in a sentence with 'Shannon filler' that she just looked at me confused and said "What?".   Maybe she thought I was really smart or something and  then surmised that her boy had surely married up.  But, something tells me it wasn't "up" she was necessarily thinking that day.

I guess it's the name replacement that actually tends to get me in trouble and may in fact scar my children in the end.  My eldest boy Ratchet pointed out that I always get on to him and his brother by calling out strangely sweet names in a scolding voice like "ANGEL STICKERS!!" or DOLL FEATHERS NOOOO!  Sometimes it's just two food items put together, which maybe I default to when I'm hungry, like "POPCORN PICKLES BE MORE CAREFULL!!"  Do you feel sorry for my children yet?  I'm starting to. 

 The scarring will probably show up in a few years when  young Dandy learns the facts of life and has questions about his peeparoni and cheese.  I've already had to explain to Ratchet that "personals" are actually called "breasts" on a ruffle(refined lady).  Maybe I blog so I can make some changes in my behavior. :{ Whoa. 

 
 Here is the latest example of improper name slinging that I really shouldn't share because I'm normally  quite the ruffle myself(small wheeze). 

 Last night,  Jamey was saying goodnight to Dandy and asking him if he was different things just to be silly(all appropriate 5yr old jokes at this point), when I felt the need to chime in and say " Are you a CORNHOLER?"  Of course Dandy just said no and he and I moved on when Jamey's mouth came open and asked me if I knew what I was calling my young son.

  I was really just recalling an episode of  'Arrested Development' we had recently watched where the family in the show was trying to use this faulty hushpuppy machine(the "Cornballer") their dad had tried to market but it burned everyone that attempted to use it (funny stuff-love that show may it R.I.P.).  Also, my brain mixed that with an old Beevis and Butthead bit in my head where one of them called the other one "Cornholio".  And, not really understanding then either that it was a rude bottom comment, I found it stayed with me through the ages.  I probably shouldn't watch cable.

So immediately and casually (AND sadly still in front of the five year old) I explain the jumble in my thoughts as

 " I was just meaning like in Regis and Butthole". 
 **WHAT BOOK OF PARENTING DID I READ!** 
That explaination sent my husband into giddy laughter and I had to just take my little pumpkin pepper pie off to bed, leaving him with a heartfelt prayer for his tiny delicate life.  It's all you really CAN do when your own voice betrays you time and time again.  Well, prayer for the children you're currently warping, and a little toning down of the colorful language I suppose would help as well.  Owning the behavior is the first step to recovery after all isn't it?  It's not too late for me.  

If I were the choir director at my church...

As I was thinking about Jesus this morning and all of the nice things he has done, the music player in my head (see #1 on the previous post) started in on that Prince (or %, whatever he goes by these days) song I WOULD DIE 4 YOU!  And it's been in there ever since!

While I was singing it to my children and screaming "DAHLIN IF YOU WANT ME TO!" and they were thinking "So glad we don't homeschool with this woman!" I began to daydream about singing it in choir on Easter Sunday.  Naturally we would need a really spunky choir to pull it off and I'm envisioning changing the I's to HE'S and then just a couple of the other words like:

Sopranos: (very formally of course) HE is your lover.  He is your friend. He is something that you'll never comprehend. 

Tenors:  (just as formally) He'll never beat you.  He'll never lie-high.  And if you're evil He'll forgive you by and by 'cause....

Everyone: (soul it up now with some dancing) YOU!  He will die for you.

Alto(me): (with feeling)  DAHLIN' IF YOU WANT HIM TO! 

Everyone:  (still dancing victoriously) YOU! He DID die for you.  

And so on.  Are you feelin' it?  Are you feelin' what the Shan is showering to? AMEN!

And on that set of notes... Since Prince doesn't approve of youtube, I give you the only version of his song I could find.  It's not the highest quality video but I know if such technology existed back in the 80's, no doubt that would have been Arl and I workin' out our moves to a Tears for Fears song (Am I right or am I right Arly :D).  

AAAAAAAH! I always scream when I play tag

Shelley over at The wood between the worlds tagged me and here are the rules:
Once you are tagged, link back to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Post 7 random or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
Tag 7 people and link to them.
Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

Seven Random or Weird Facts About Me:

1) I think in song (everything reminds me of one and then I sing it) but I rarely listen to music.

2) I literally cry when I eat fish of any kind.

3) It never occurs to me to clean my oven. Therefore, I have never cleaned an oven.

4) Back in my waitress days, I almost always had a large wedge of parmesan cheese in my pocket that I would pull out and nibble on throughout the entire shift. Oh come on there are grosser things...aren't there?

5) I am afraid of almost EVERYTHING! Except for the lint in my pockets obviously.

6) Strange and useless "future fashions" regularly pop into my head (i.e. rubber ties, earcuffs, rug belts etc.) I don't believe that makes me a prophet necessarily.

7) I am a total cat lady. (We don't have one due to J's allergies.) Sometimes I want to go to the pound and just spend time with the kitties there but I don't because I realize that it might be strange as a 38 year old woman. If Jamey goes first I'll probably sit around in my earcuffs while 4-6 cats sharpen their claws on my rug belt. Do these surveys make everyone feel a little afraid or is that just me?

Now, on with the tagging...

Dean

Wendy Janelle

Sweet Meadow Musings

Live fully, laugh often, love always

Whew! That's all the passing on I can handle right now as I am still a novice at linking. Peace, I'm out. (Don't I sound so natural when I talk gangsta? Oooh, that coulda rocked the 8 spot Dawg!)  

Getting ready for the next four years...

"What I meant to say was I just really need some healthcare for MYSELF. I'm sorry if I mislead *cough, cough, wheeze*......" President H.R. Clinton

Sickos

Well, it's heath care run- amuck around here this week. I'm surprised I've still got my doogies about me I tell ya! First, as you might have read, one dog hit the rug. And just as she began to recover from her $200 "getaway", Dandy, my five year old , came down with a tiny fever, a Rudolf-with-mud-on-his-nose voice and a misfit attitude to boot.

Then to space it out a little, my husband (we'll call him Jamey-keekee) waited a day before coming home from work early with an illness entirely his own that has only worsened today making him eligible to receive his own "getaway" reservation at the A.M. clinic in town tomorrow morn.

So who's the next to go you ask? Ohhhh, it's Ratchet, our oldest child who normally aglow with activity and exuberance, decided midway through the day to have a rest on the couch with a blanket. Now he's in full fever form popping Advil with the rest of them. I just made sure he was tucked nicely in bed and then rushed downstairs to wash his little germ tainted smooches off my cheek(as any loving selfless mother would).

Now the chihuahua and I are forming an alliance and will lie low and see if we can't ride out this mild storm of illness moving through CasaBerg this week. Be well dear ones.