OHHH Life

....is bigger.

Bigger than you

And you are not me.

..But that was just a dream

Try, cry, why try?

That was just a dream

Just a dream, just a dream

Dream

When the day is long,

and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, Lord,

Count your blessings.

The papers wouldn't lie!

I sigh, not one more.

It's been a bad day.
Please don't take a picture.
It's been a bad day.
Please.

I've got R.E.M. running through my head this morning for some reason so I looked them up and smashed some songs together. I never really realized how sad and depressing a lot of their songs are. [Thoughtful pause] Still cool though~very cool indeed. And apparently they knew what was really going on-a bunch of sad stuff you just can't do much about.

Well, it's the end of the world (and R.E.M.) as we know it. But I feel fine. (fine, fine)

Okay, I can't stop. Since my brain IS 80% song lyrics, I guess this is to be expected.

I just can't get out of my head how rough times have gotten for most of my loved ones lately. Where are all the lighthearted sitcom circumstances? All the shiny happy people laughing? It's hard to find it amid the job loss, money lacking, sickness and death we've been seeing around here lately. If there's comedy, it tends to be dark or short lived.

Hold on.

This is not the kind of change we were hoping for! (Oops, that was campaign slogan banter, sorry.)

Back to the jumble in my head. I'm starting to wonder if the Lord is allowing more people to pass away so fewer are here to worry as even harder times come. Or is the crowd only thinning lately from my perspective? My aging self.

This weekend as we watched a dear cousin suffer a fatal heart attack during our yearly Red Rock Canyon reunion, I found myself thinking "And now, of course, THIS is happening." I didn't feel surprise-just more sadness. More grief for those suffering.

Why does praying not seem like quite enough?

If I thought latch hooking a rug would help in these times of grief, by gum I'd be turning out tacky mats by the dozen! I just don't seem to know what to do with myself to aid in this pain. I guess I'll just have to keep praying and work on being a blessing to others rather than a burden(says the dramatic high maintenance diabetic.)

Consider this, consider this:

Everyone around, love them, love them.

Where tomorrow shines, gold and silver shine.

Throw your love around.

Happy, happy.

And on that note:

This one goes out to the one(s) I love.

(My apologies to R.E.M. for what just happened.)

XOXOX

The nose knows what time it is

Don't let me startle you showing up blogside unannounced. I just thought I'd jot down an observance I made while going over some photos from a recent family trip.

I took a few of the usual "See, look, we've left the house!" pics of the various things we saw and experienced while on our getaway to Big Cedar.(BEAUTIFUL place, by the way.)

But now I'll deviate to the less predictable but palpably deeper reason I'm here.

Upon checking the pic my mom took of the hubby and myself, I happened to notice my nose had taken a stronger role on my face than it normally does. In the first photo I chalked it up to indiscriminate posing but then it went on to repeat its flared looks in each shot to follow. I'm not sure what this means. I don't even think it seems bigger than usual in that way that people say your nose keeps growing as you age. I just found it to be more nostril forward.

(I've got flare)

I wonder why my face is morphing before my eyes- under my eyes. I didn't feel I was the least bit stressed or strained, fatter or thinner than I was a smooth-nostriled couple months ago. It was simply as if I now found the world to be just a tiny bit stinkier than before. And you know what? Maybe. I. do.

Now, what about you? Is your nose behaving? Have you glanced in the mirror recently and seen a droopy eyed sharp shnozzed guy or gal gazing back? Perhaps there are two of you now?

Maybe this is just what forty-two looks like for me without the use of daily moisturizer. I rather hoped I'd age like a fine cheese since I eat so much of it, but apparently I'm taking a more of a Pete's Dragon approach to the decades ahead. Hey, at least I've got some tufted pink hair in my future! Now, off to practice my harmless quizzical look.

Smell you later,

Shans

**For more titillating topics like this, join me next time when I ponder visibly whether or not my newly bending pinky finger keeps bending.

Putting on my game face and my birthday suit

Well, I guess it was time. Time to get my Eyeore on and whip out some summer time malaise. Hey, if that opening line doesn't leave you begging for more then, I don't know HOW to please you.

You know, I made it through non-camping like the hotel staying champ I am and didn't feel the least bit stressed all week. The persnickety little D checked his troubles at the fish farm door and had the happiest week he's had in a long time. We were thrilled at the way that boy entertained himself in a 4x6 baby pool hour after hour! Water truly has a way of soothing a child with sensory issues. And, as I have been reading in my book about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome characteristics, MANY of these kids are attracted to it in the same way our boy is. Fascinating.

Happy Camper

I didn't manage to blog while on the trip because, well, I was watching cable, doing laundry, and eating cheese in my room most nights. That was enough multi-tasking for one gal. And trust me, you would have thought I was in a five star facility the way I enjoyed my ME time each eve. I'm ridiculously simple dahlings.

Until it came to the drive home.

Then, my nerves collectively started acting as if someone had taken a potato peeler to them slowly skim skim skimming away until I just started feeling like someone was repeatedly scaring me. That's not fun, but the part that most bothers me about depression/anxiety is the lack of interest in ANYTHING. I mean pahleese, I struggle with that when I'm perfectly happy! Take the psyche down a couple notches and the mayday alerts start sounding.

But, alas and alak, I talked it out with Jamey and that really did help! He noted that I often don't seem to realize that being a parent to a special need's kid can really wear on a person without her necessarily noticing. Then one day, someone gives you an odd look in the grocery store and you leave with a sackful of paranoid depression you never even put in the cart!

I have been struggling with whether to keep Dev home another year for school when none of the choices we have for him seem perfect. I like that he can concentrate at home better but he has become even less tolerant of groups and noise when we are around them on small occasions. I guess we'll know more about the new small school in town after our meeting at the first of the month.

Now I am relieved to be mentally perkier- putting things in perspective, remembering that it's my favorite season of the year, that I love my family madly and they love me too, and that God has a purpose for me (yes, even on loser days). I am not alone here and even though I sometimes feel freaky, the reality is life IS occasionally more comparable to a confusing Japanese game show than the board version by Milton Bradley.

Though we might spin the wheel and collect from our chosen career on payday, we can also expect to sometimes feel like we're being repeatedly pelted by giant wet sponges while maneuvering across a slippery punching conveyor belt. "Heey, I think I'm gonna..wait, what's this?!"

It really just depends on the day now doesn't it. And speaking of days, tomorrow is MY special day. So I think I'll hit the sack so I can wake up and enjoy my facebook wishes properly rested. :D

Happy Birthday to Donetta and Dawnetta my b-day buddies!

XO Shan

Cat tells

The other day I went outside and came upon a cat,

who sat upon my lap.

Then another happened along,

and it soon became a throng....

(My back fence this very morning)

Ok, so I'm back to the blog after a brief hiatus. I told the facebookers a couple days ago that I had rushed inside and jotted down some things I've been pondering about cats (Yes, I DO realize that sends up a freak flag with a paw on it, but I'm ok with that.) And, since that brought out a few of my fellow cat loving freaks friends, as well as a few that just enjoy a side show- I figured I'd share.

It wasn't really a list of questions to be answered by other cat "enthusiasts" (That sounds better right?), but more a batch of thoughts pertaining to cats that might be better expressed in the Jeff Foxworthy way. So here were my passing cat fancies:

You might be a Catlady if....

...you seriously ponder purchasing a 3ft. tall rod iron cat shaped plant holder from a store called "Oops!"- though it is quite clear you are not a "plant person".

... you coax a cat you've never seen before over to you, then let it lay on your lap for thirty minutes while it kneads it's claws into your wrist.

...you look deep into previously mentioned cat's eyes as it adores you, and wonder if it could possibly be an angel sent in this form with a special message just for you. Then you wait a moment for it.

...on your wedding day your friends and family all make a pact to not tell you about the incident involving the cat in the parking lot of the church.

...you yell out "Kittee!!" into the darkness only to realize you may have been talking to a decorative rock in someone's yard.

...you have a "great idea" of what to stencil on your cork board, but are reminded with a sigh from your husband that this particular room already has at least thirteen other pictures of cats in it.

...once upon a time you looked in the mirror and regularly saw a resemblance between you and your cat Tigger.

...your current pets also remind you of him.
And finally, you might be a Catlady if you can come up with such a list about YOURSELF!

Have a purrfectly splended weekend! Meow.

Ugly Shan

When I saw this ad for Ugly Betty on my google page Friday I thought I'd seen that picture somewhere before. Sure enough there it was in my photos. I guess I've got one Halloween costume idea in the making.....

Get the braces back on, darken up the hair a bit, and I'll be Betty's ugly older sister in no time. Baha

(Sorry to dwarf you Betty dear. I tried to find a bigger pic of you in this pose but failed.)

You know I'm Trippin'!

Sorry once again for straying from my land for far too long. It's been a fast paced whacked out summerpalooza of sorts around here. With one in summer school(and having a terrible go of it) and the other on a dead run toward friends and activities at all times, a special sister/friend in town from oversees visiting and tons of little trips in between. I've gone and gotten my hair all mussed and myself internally flustered in the process! How's this low energy gal to handle all this?! My nerves have literally been shocking themselves and my heart and head have taken to pulsing spells.

Yes, it IS quite pitiful. I'll give you that. I actually thought I was having a nervous breakdown one weekend! Then having the genius idea my thyroid meds were messing with me, I popped in to the doctor to check it. Turns out it was the first thing. I needed nerve pills for Pete's sake! What would I actually do if real problems came along? pfffft. Apparently, I don't begat from a long line of hearty stock when it comes to the old mental stamina. I'm a delicate. I've always told my oldest that I'm breakable so that he won't practice his Tae Kwon Do moves on me, and my youngest so he just won't whack me in general, but I guess I failed to realize how my psyche was right there in the squishy department as well! Oh bother.

But, neither of us need to dwell on my rattling marbles, so I'll show you a collection of pictures from our recent trip up to Illinois. The first week in July, all Jamey's family took the trip from Arkansas with tents ready for some grand camping and fishing on Granny's farm. There were 16-20 of us there in all with 8 kids age 11 down to 3. There were no cries of boredom from anyone. In fact, we thought the children had turned a little wild after the first few days. They stayed in a pack and grunted around a lot in the tall grasses.

J's brother and sis-n-law

J's dad and nephew

Brother in law and youngest boy

Jamey's sis and Mom(and camp cook extraordinaire)

Miley the only giant dog I love

Our lil' gipper

Proud fishermen J and the Ratchet

Rainy day kids gathered around a six inch t.v.

He's a loner, a rebel.

My tent looked much like this and was in a neighboring town. Did I mention I have anxiety issues? ;) Well, I slept the sleep of the heavily drugged when I made it here each night. Sweet sweet camping times for me. I DID get some unexpected company from my boys in the middle of one rainy night. Their tent leaked and they headed for the inn at 2:45 in the morning. They are probably lucky I wasn't packin' heat startling me at that hour!

And here's a little video that shows a rounder of where we were. It's not really entertaining but it gives the lay of the land to help make up for my short supply of pictures. Yay for peaceful and relaxing(finally- thanks Dr.)times with family.

P.S. Though there are 0 pictures of yours truly, I could almost swear I was there for some of it...oh wait, that is me making the boring video comments. Yep.

Hopefully, I'll get some more reports on my summer visitations going soon now that I've broken the freeze on the manage blog post page again. I hope you haven't all stopped visiting me all together! Until next time friends and fam! :D

Whole brained but half rumped

Boy, it really has been a long time since I've actually written much of anything on here, hasn't it?  I think I got out of the habit of writing while the Winter funk was swirling around in my brain.  I don't usually find this the place to express my inner most feelings(squish squish) and I don't really enjoy being super serious on my blog.  I also don't hang on a thought long enough to be interesting most days. 

Considering I tend to prefer intake to being the main voice in the room, I would rather look in on you folks, or read/watch/listen to the clever people around me than come up with my own topics for presentation.  Of course, it could just be because I'm as slow as MOlasses being quietly released from the tiniest of spickits.  (Spickit isn't a word? I'm pretty sure other people say this so I'm going with it.) Maybe if Spellcheck approved of me more....

>>Update: OH SPIGOT!  Right Right!  I didn't try that one.  Wordlilly's got my back!

But, now that I've broken the seal on the syrup bottle, I might as well share a few tidbits about lil' ole me.  Fairly recently, among many many more meaningful and world changing epic things, I've made a hobby out of taking Facebook quizzes.  

Yes it IS awesome-I KNOW!

ANYway, I've taken a few of those lately upon check-in and have decided they are curiously helpful in explaining some key pieces to this peculiar being we call SHAN.

So now with much testing and  without further ado, here's what I now know about myself:

1) If I were a dog I would be an AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD.  

Hmm...Ok.  Family oriented, reserved but not to be taken for shy or insecure(still up in the air at this point) and extremely hairy if I recall from the picture.

 Upon reflection, there was a time when I had to beg my mom to let me shave my legs before debuting my pep club uniform at school in 7th grade.  I guess that was when my hairiness was at its pinnacle. No young lady wants to be known as "Chimp-the other mascot" during those tender middle school years.  "This breed is not for everyone" rings true here as well.

2)I TYPE roughly 47 words per minute currently-which beats my all time high in high school of 37.  Blogging is honing my skill beautifully.  I'm really a marvel to behold after twenty something short years. 

3)Typing tests won't keep me from what I was meant to do, however, and it was incredibly keen on Facebook's part to realize the JOB MOST SUITED TO ME is...pause for dramatic effect..

 DANCER.  

But how did they..? (fanning eyes, gulping and rolling lips inward) 

4)The next test, though entirely separate, continued with my natural leanings. For what better place to dance than the CITY assigned to me?  NYC, NEW YORK!! Start spreadin' the news, I'm leavin' as soon as the recession ends.

5)Why not?  I already have the NORTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT fully in place, even if I've only lived in Oklahoma and Arkansas. I feel certain I could do a convincing Boastonian as well. Geography can't quiet the yankee in me!

6)But if I get no roles because my jealous GREEN HEART gets the best of me..  (What do they know anyway.  Those girls are all lights-no music.  I'm the real thing.  With a little cosmetic surgery, a full-time nanny and several years of physical training, why I could..)

7)As a fallback, I might get in the mix and do what comes natural for me as a SOCIAL REFORM THEORIST. Because, I've now been likened to VOLTAIRE, and that's just the way I think.  (If I understood or cared a lick about such philosophical things.)

8)What else would make my WRITING STYLE resemble VIRGINIA WOOLF'S?  She and I...well apparently though brilliant woman's libbers, tending to be a wee suicidal at times, are/were certainly all about the stream-of-conciousness writing style.  Did I eat breakfast?  Oh look, my nails have grown!

9)Though I'm a little on the high maintenance side, if in fact I were a CLASSIC NOVEL, blog friend Robyn would  appreciate me-as testing proves me to be the book TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD.  Ah, but I realize now that's just the social reformer working itself out again.  Tell true Facebook.  Tell true.

10)It's really what you can expect from a WHOLE BRAINED person like myself.  I'm rare in that sense.  So uniquely even minded I am, that I'm teriffically mediocre at almost everything! I eat and write with the left hand, but sport and support with the right.  I have a moderate amount of interest in the Arts as well as the Sciences but neither ignites a complete fire in my....

11)FEMALE BRAIN.  I'm just too girly for passion I s'pose. ( Titter titter titter-squeak!) 

So there it is.  My homemade compilation meme.  Feel free to hunt down and take all of these quizzes yourself.  It can be worked into any schedule with just a few minutes a day over several weeks time.  I can't honestly think of what I would have done without knowing what flavor of ice cream I am- not that I would share that with you now and end on such a cold note. 

 I wonder if there is a casserole quiz...uummm..I'm hungry. What would Facebook  make of this new finding?

Born to shine, or past my prime?

My phone made its last call this weekend and slipped away some time Monday without so much as a final vibration.  I'd only had it a few years but that didn't keep the shoddy workmanship from shining through, no sir.  Nor did it keep the nice saleslady from mocking my "ancient sim card" when she whipped the back off of my lifeless companion and dug out the tiny fingernail sized chip under the battery.  She managed to retrieve the old info pretty as you please and copy them over to my 2009 model so that was just swell. 

 I thought as they waited to have me pay until the end of the process, that it might be a funny joke to painstakingly choose a new celly after quizzing all workers and shoppers on each phone's specific differences, get everything transferred over and all the new contract bits approved  and then say "Yeah, like, this is cool and all but I think I'll shop around a bit before actually deciding on my new phone."  But, sometimes my joke thoughts are really not very funny at all and this was one such time.  

So, after a quick blank stare to wander that mental rabbit trail, I whipped out my debit card and swiped the thing to get my new phone paid for and myself back from that day long communication hiatus. (Can you even imagine the isolation of only having a home phone and internet? Why, anything could have happened!)

My shopping trip took no more than 15 minutes. And I thought I had handled all of this electronic decision making pretty well considering it usually takes me longer than that to pick out the right lip balm.  Normally when buying cell phones and such, I use my phone-a-friend option and call Jamey for some in-depth research and decision help. But I had this thing in the bag! I knew that my phone needs were completely basic and that I would not require any huge roll out key pads or touch screens.  I thought if this particular phone was Born to Shine then that sounded like a motto I could get behind as well!! 

And then she showed me how to put a picture of my "grandkids" on the main screen.  

Apparently some of us are born to shine and others of us merely shine with a light coating of age-defying facial creme.  I understand.  Do you suppose Jennifer Aniston gets this when she goes out shopping? Hmph.  I think I'm starting to feel like a two year old cell phone.

Experimentation

Ahhhh....the art of being relationally understated.  Or is it a science? I'm not sure yet.   I'm coining a descriptive term for my husband here because he can lack for personal exuberance in his delivery at times.  I don't mean that negatively as I appreciate an even keel. I just mean he is lacking a certain element of drama in his stories when you might expect to get, well at least a tidbit of rise and fall.  

Like the time when I decided to wax on about... oh, I don't remember but it was something happening to me equivalent to, say, a tight head band.  I was no doubt reeling around and dramatically pulling the thing from my temples having Jamey rub the indention on my head until I could muster up the strength to go on.  All I really remember was that I was voicing my woes about something silly and then a few minutes of ample sympathy later, he raised his shirt six inches looked at his stomach and said "Hmmph."  in a slightly annoyed tone.  I of course said "What?".  Then he mumbled in the laziest way "Oh I guess I've got a hernia."  "WHAT?" This time I was louder, and I looked to see what he was talking about.  Sure enough, there by his navel was an obvious blowout between his skin and muscle layers! ( I apologize if that makes anyone queazy.)  At this point I'm feeling like my "tight headband" condition might pale ever so slightly to this new revelation.  Yet, Jamey was giving me close to nothing reaction wise while discovering that his guts were practically spilling out on the floor!!  (See, I know how to give attention where attention is due. ;)

That was one of probably many examples where a casual presentation on the husby's side leads to a larger  than normal reaction on my side.  I'm sure there's some law describing this imbalance like Newton's third law "For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction". Only it would be a fourth or fifth law that states "For every under reaction, there is a wildly overdone counter reaction to equal out the overall level of general action ."  or something like that.  I didn't finish college so my scientific analysis may contain nuts and or milk products.  

My whole point here is not whether or not I remember science(or math?) rules but that this phenomenon has happened again.  And it never fails to catch me off guard!  There we were at a restaurant sitting around eating chicken and taking pictures of each other eating chicken.  

(Ratchet and friend )

( Me, the under reactor, and Dandy)

Then, as an afterthought, Jamey looks at his hand and says to himself  "Yep, that seems to have done the trick."  Well, this is of course where I look up from my battered french fries and mutter through greasy lips "What?" with little or no enthusiasm.  So he lays out his giant manly paw and says "I fixed my nail."  Ok,  I'm confused.  And I say as much, so he continues.  " Well remember the other day when I said my fingernail got torn a little and it went to the quick?"  "Sure, sure," I say wondering why we are talking about fingernails.  "Well, I fixed it and it doesn't hurt anymore."  "OK.  But I don't see what you are talking about.  You're nails look fine."  Then to myself "gee you'd think he had a hernia or something bringing up his nail again."  And then the surprise.  "That's because I put a fake nail on it." he says with the same lack of affect as before.  "WHAT?"  I ask for clarity.  "WHERE?"  "Right here."  He says showing me his hand again.  "I CAN'T SEE IT!!!"  I say now with disbelief and increasing inquiry.
  

And there it was on his ring finger.  I still couldn't tell it was fake, just that it was a hair longer than the others.  It looked absolutely congenital, like he was born with Sally Hanson's on!!!  I absolutely guffawed as I imagined how that thing got on his nail without me having ANY part of it!!  I sat there laughing at him as I imagined the shopping involved in the process.  Then I moved on to the skillful sizing and trimming he obviously had done and then to the gluing and the clear coat of paint that was on all of his nails and I laughed some more!  How does he manage to be so understated even as he dabbles in cross dressing????  

OH MY I needed that little surprise.  When I asked how he possibly got a set of fingernails big enough to fit his manly proportions, he just said "It's a thumb, so I have two that fit."   You know.  Just when you think you're aware of what's going on in your house......surprise, surprise. 

And so I've decided to coin the term "Relationally understated" as a descriptive for my husbands type of personality. He has got the quiet physical comedy down and half the time it seems purely accidental. Don't even get me started on the "neighbors slide incident" that story is for another time and place!   

Do you know someone like this? If so please feel free to use this terminology next time you speak of their drama inducing delivery. It is the equal and exact opposite of the way I'm wired and so I find it quite entertaining.  It's clearly an art form. Or maybe it's science.  I still don't know.

A New Year's 360

Happy New Year Everyone!!!  I know I'm a little late with this latest proclamation but I was trying to wait until it felt genuine and like I actually yelled it with glee.  Let me just admit to you now that those last two to three exclamation marks weren't necessarily from the gut. I tried but really they were a little forced to be honest. 

Of course I mean for everyone to have a fabulous year-don't get me wrong-but I'm just not my usual chipper self about it all.  I'm ready to hear some really good news folks!  I would like to hear that Ladybird Rufflebottoms* got her dream job that pays just the right amount saving her from doing anything drastic about her house. I'd like to hear "business is getting stronger" from a close relative who's worked most of his life to build a company toward retirement only to have it screech to a halt and dry up just when he needs it most.  I would like to know that our precious friends the Wondersteins* will soon get a clean bill-o-health report on their little trooper boy suffering from cancer.  It would in fact be awfully nice to hear that news from some of you as well!  How about less premature death this year?  Or maybe just a specific life rescued from drug abuse and mental woes with a miraculous full recovery.  

YES!  I NEED TO HEAR SOME OF THAT NEWS THIS YEAR!  

If it seems like I'm just looking at the dark side of the room, that's because I have found myself there lately.  I've had a few glimmers of happiness recently though and I don't think I'll reach for the antidepressants just yet.  I feel like it actually takes times like these in our lives to remind us that we are not just here for our own pursuit of happiness, but we are here to muddle through a fallen world until our Saving Grace arrives to scoop us up and say "Well done, good and faithful servant!"  

I don't really expect to hear that upon scoop up.  Right now I'd hear something more like "Why such a weakling, mediocre and lackluster servant?  Could you not have put forth just a touch more effort in my name?" I, of course, would deserve much more of a talking to, but I really can't bear to think about my personal failings right now. 

 Right now  I've got these worries for my beloved friends and family.  I want to help each one of them but in every case I find myself lacking.  All I can really do is pray and sometimes my brain is even too confused to do that well.  I realize I don't have to pray eloquently or list every detail.  I just have to do it.  And often.  God is so amazing to watch in action as he takes care of his people.  He knows more than we do what needs to happen. And he can reach people in ways we never expect him to.  

So I'm forced to trust Him in his choices.  He wants us to need Him and He expects us to call on Him for comfort and answers when we can't find them ourselves.  He has not failed me and He will not fail those who call on Him, even as the heat cranks up on our discomfort.  We can choose to be refined by these fires rather than destroyed by them as the study of Daniel once taught me.  I've made it through a few personal "fires" and I know how the Lord was never more real to me than in those particular instances.  He cares about us more than we can possibly perceive and I know in my human failings that I can trust Him!!!  And it seems as though I might even be getting my three exclamation point exuberance back!!!  

Ok, I think I'm through giving myself this extravagant pep talk in front of you all.  And now that I've dragged you to the darkened corners of my mental room and back, can I offer up some hopeful news?  We have a God that can take over where we leave off!!!  May He help us each pull ourselves up and be all that we were meant to be this year in the joyful and difficult times!  And, my prayer is that He protects us and shows us just what we are individually gifted to do to bring Glory to His Kingdom. YOU ARE MIGHTY LORD!!! And I give you my praise.  Amen

Now that I'm feeling a tad less mopey, how about you tell me something you are hoping to accomplish in 2009.  Do you have a  new exercise plan, a work challenge, or perhaps a new hairdo on the horizon?  Do tell.

(C-berg's in front of some brilliant LED Christmas lights in Oklahoma City)

* some names slightly altered for privacy sake

"Be-GOCK!!!"

Yes, it's official I'm still a huge chicken. My hilarious friend Trish uberkindly described the experience I'm referring to here.  

I thought for sure by this time in life I would be just a touch more brave about getting up in front of a crowd, but apparently I'm still just as insecure as ever.  The strange thing about it is that I like singing, and I like performing on stage as well-but not as myself.  Without some sort of disguise or costume, my body betrays me and tries to go into shut down mode at the mere thought of being seen!  The liquid once kept in my mouth instantly moves to my armpits, forcing my lips to move dramatically around my teeth like a horse with peanut butter. The blood that when in my head helps me remember lyrics and practiced cues, just as suddenly migrates to my extremities, leaving my head vacuously circling while my legs get ready to run or buckle beneath me.

It's the familiar scene of the classic performance anxiety from which I suffer.  But, the real problem is that this anxiety is not restricted to the stage.  I can get performance anxiety just knowing I have a really busy day or week ahead of me.   I don't have that little buck -up gene that huddles together with the others and says "Look gang, I've got just the go juice this project needs!  Sit back and enjoy the gun show while I fire this baby up!"  And then of course, he would make engine revving sounds with his tiny little plasma mouth and kick me into high gear. 

Nope, I don't have one of those.  Or maybe I'm just missing one because genes prefer to work in pairs and my little tough guy gene is missing his Harley counterpart.  

In any case............. CURSE YOU JR. HIGH!! 

(I don't know if this is the real culprit or not but I like to yell that sometimes when I'm feeling particularly scarred about something.  It's nice to have a scapegoat at the ready- after all.) 

I just wish I could figure out how to get past this self induced handicap.  I mean, come on!  Can't I just learn to tap into Big Shan when I need her instead of having her pop up whenever the diva so chooses?  If only.  You can't control a diva's schedule you know.  Don't waste your time trying.  

She's busy accosting young mothers and imposing her baby holding services on them. Or, she might even surface upon meeting a new church member at the store and on each and every aisle, quiz the woman wildly about her family life, while in turn sharing equally about her own.  OY VEY!  At one point in the middle of my chattiness on that particular day, I recall even telling this nice victim lady how shy I was.  Then, because B.Shan is always on her toes, I realized suddenly how absurd that must have seemed to my new friend, so we shared a little laugh over that one. (titter titter titter)

Oh well.  We all have our own hang ups don't we?  Why do mine seem to be more like hang outs?  Some day it would really be nice to board the bus to sanity and actually not get off until I get there.  Until then, I suppose it's back to my Relacore study and being an inappropriate freakazoid when I least expect it. Such is life-cluck, cluck- such is life.  

RICK ROLLin' and written hurl!

I don't know who you're voting for ( I'll not be voting for this particular candidate though I imagine you care not to hear political stances from moi) but, either way this video is a crackup! 

You see, I'm an eighties girl.  So, naturally, I love the Rick Roll phenomenon that has made its way through Youtube!  If you don't know what I'm talking about then you probably have an actual life outside your computer. K-kee-kee.  

Apparantly, what's happened is people have been listing links to things that sound really interesting or "alluring" ,  and then when someone else clicks on the link, they instead find  Rick Astley or some form of him singing 'Never gonna give you up' in all his one-hit-wonder glory.  And then, of course, the pranks have developed from there.

 Actually I usually only know about stuff like this because Jamey is a big time tech-know kinda guy who works best while being constantly inundated with entertaining youtube clips or web finds, all the while doing his job and watching a movie, composing a song or listening to music on the side. Whew!  This is a fine piece of writing I'm doing here folks.  Do not look away now or you will be dizzy! ;) 

That multi-tastic style Jamey tends to thrive on would give me a huge case of  Stimulus Overload Majoras!! For I am the type that must take on absolutely one thing at a time if I am to be able to apply my brain properly to it.  Unless... I'm on the phone. While on the phone, I could probably parasail while having an uninterrupted convo if I had a hankerin'.  Does anyone share this ability?  I love it when a friend of mine-who I often find myself having long phone conversations with-says "Well, I guess I'll let you go so you can get that dessert made for the blippity blank."  and I say "Oh, I finished that and already ran it up to the school.  Now, I'm home again and about to start the mower so I guess I should get off this phone now or we won't be able to hear each other."  

And it's the same when I'm listening to an audiobook.  I know I've talked about this before but it still amazes me what menial tasks I surely could accomplish if I just didn't think about them too long.  "Hey, look everyone!  I just refinished all of my floors and I don't remember a lick of it!  Isn't that great?!!"
I think I'm meant to be a drone.

But for reals.  When I have to listen to more than a couple voices at a time (i.e. music and a human talking to me) and actually make sense of what I'm hearing , I get nothing but static.  I can be quite the textbook case of A.D.D. on most days to be honest.  I tend to fail at receptionist catchall types of jobs that most mother types would have a natural affinity for. 

 

I'm also the ding bat who starts cooking hamburger meat and then decides to change out the seasons in one of my kid's dressers upstairs.  "Ooh, someone's grilling!  Wait a minute, that's me!" And when there's lots of stuff coming at me at one time, typical family style, I tend to start shaking my head like I have a flea in my ear and then my arms immediately want to start flapping myself out-a there!  This (and the fact that I am mental) is why I will never be a kindergarten teacher, or say, a stockbroker.  I'd be running for the emergency exits after the first couple of days of either job, and they'd find me hours later in a field chewing on grass or worse- Lord preserve me!!!

I don't know why you've allowed me to go on this way when I only meant to post that video and give a brief explanation of the Rick Roll.  You'd think I had all the time in the world and might as well go ahead and post some pictures of our weekend at Red Rock Canyon while I'm sitting here blithering.  Nope, I'd like to share those, but I've taken up enough of your time.  I will instead leave you with this one... parting... thought .

  

Does this mean I should work in a museum?

I saw this personality test on Sarahcool's blog and thought I'd give it a shot.  It's pretty accurate except for the part that says something about me being a daredevil.  That may have  been true in the early days, but anymore, I won't chew gum while walking briskly because I'm afraid I might choke on it.  I'm not exactly risk-ay in that way.  ;)  I posted my whole descriptive here so you can see how thorough it gets, but don't feel like you have to read it in its entirety(unless you simply MUST study up on the Shan before our next get together).  I just thought you'd like to see what you get for your test taking troubles.  Please come back and let me know if you took this yourself because I want to know what kinda crazy's I'm dealing with that read my blog.  Barhar.  Click on this Personality DNA and see what you get!

P.S. I'm stuck in a non-capping font in case you were wondering.

you are a faithful curator.

personalDNA

about you

you are a curator

You are straightforward and real, down-to-earth, and have a healthy respect for order and stability. These attributes, complemented by your desire to be surrounded by things of beauty, make you a CURATOR.

You don't feel the need to try everything new that comes along – you know what you like and what you want.

You are a no-nonsense person, not someone who falls for pretensions.

Being strongly grounded in the here-and-now, you are practical and realistic about yourself and your life.

You find comfort and calmness in your habits and routines.

Although others might not know this about you, you strongly appreciate aesthetic qualities, noticing whether something is well-designed and stylish.

You have a refined sense of taste, and you want your environments to reflect your preferred style.

There are times when you feel insecure and vulnerable, even though you know deep down that you are a good person.

You aren't narcissistic – you allow yourself to be realistic about your positive and negative qualities.

You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

Your sense of adventure is supreme - you're up for anything, anytime. Making plans in advance isn't necessary for you: you'd rather figure things out on the go.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.

If you want to be different:

It wouldn't hurt to indulge your imagination and creativity sometimes. These are skills like any other, and develop with practice, so try to carve out some time for them in your life.

Try to quiet your inner feelings of doubt – you will be more successful if you can overcome these worries and focus on your many strengths, such as your responsible and honest nature.

how you relate to others

you are faithful

Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.

Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends.

Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener.

While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you.

Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.

Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society.

Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings.

Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously.

If you want to be different:

Some of the alternate perspectives that you understand may have more value than you give them credit for—keep in mind that right and wrong aren't always so clear-cut.

While you are able to reap the benefits of your time alone, and may see interacting with a lot of people as more tiring than exciting, remember that there is a lot to be learned from experiencing things and not just reflecting on them.