Putting on my game face and my birthday suit

Well, I guess it was time. Time to get my Eyeore on and whip out some summer time malaise. Hey, if that opening line doesn't leave you begging for more then, I don't know HOW to please you.

You know, I made it through non-camping like the hotel staying champ I am and didn't feel the least bit stressed all week. The persnickety little D checked his troubles at the fish farm door and had the happiest week he's had in a long time. We were thrilled at the way that boy entertained himself in a 4x6 baby pool hour after hour! Water truly has a way of soothing a child with sensory issues. And, as I have been reading in my book about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome characteristics, MANY of these kids are attracted to it in the same way our boy is. Fascinating.

Happy Camper

I didn't manage to blog while on the trip because, well, I was watching cable, doing laundry, and eating cheese in my room most nights. That was enough multi-tasking for one gal. And trust me, you would have thought I was in a five star facility the way I enjoyed my ME time each eve. I'm ridiculously simple dahlings.

Until it came to the drive home.

Then, my nerves collectively started acting as if someone had taken a potato peeler to them slowly skim skim skimming away until I just started feeling like someone was repeatedly scaring me. That's not fun, but the part that most bothers me about depression/anxiety is the lack of interest in ANYTHING. I mean pahleese, I struggle with that when I'm perfectly happy! Take the psyche down a couple notches and the mayday alerts start sounding.

But, alas and alak, I talked it out with Jamey and that really did help! He noted that I often don't seem to realize that being a parent to a special need's kid can really wear on a person without her necessarily noticing. Then one day, someone gives you an odd look in the grocery store and you leave with a sackful of paranoid depression you never even put in the cart!

I have been struggling with whether to keep Dev home another year for school when none of the choices we have for him seem perfect. I like that he can concentrate at home better but he has become even less tolerant of groups and noise when we are around them on small occasions. I guess we'll know more about the new small school in town after our meeting at the first of the month.

Now I am relieved to be mentally perkier- putting things in perspective, remembering that it's my favorite season of the year, that I love my family madly and they love me too, and that God has a purpose for me (yes, even on loser days). I am not alone here and even though I sometimes feel freaky, the reality is life IS occasionally more comparable to a confusing Japanese game show than the board version by Milton Bradley.

Though we might spin the wheel and collect from our chosen career on payday, we can also expect to sometimes feel like we're being repeatedly pelted by giant wet sponges while maneuvering across a slippery punching conveyor belt. "Heey, I think I'm gonna..wait, what's this?!"

It really just depends on the day now doesn't it. And speaking of days, tomorrow is MY special day. So I think I'll hit the sack so I can wake up and enjoy my facebook wishes properly rested. :D

Happy Birthday to Donetta and Dawnetta my b-day buddies!

XO Shan

A Mid-year Evaluation of My Personal Smartering Journey.

I'm a little disheartened today as I write this for it seems I've had a slight setback in my progress.  What progress you asked? 

Well, it all started at the beginning of the year when I bravely resolved that this would be my YEAR OF INTELLIGENCE!!!(igence, gence, gence) And it seemed like things were going along well enough.  There were no glaring problems anyway. 

•  I have done a complete and thorough Bible Study(Good good, that means I am moving toward my goals of Biblical knowledge.  But not pridefully mind you-no never that.)
•  I have decided NOT to point out everything I don't know in passing conversation,  but instead just nod sometimes like I'm thinking and filled with opinions on the topic.  This may not be intelligence per say, but it's being more intelligent looking which will help any actual gained intelligence be more credible later.  Sounds smart doesn't it?  I know.  Oops, I'm over in the pride camp now-drat.
  
• I have been working toward figuring out my own personal abilities (i.e. encouragement, marketing, clowning for the young-I knew that workshop would come in handy one day, empathy-so sorry you have to endure this post, volunteering to help with stuff, losing weight by muscle atrophy due to not eating and/or moving as often).  AND THEN utilizing those abilities in my daily life, rather than always striving to have someone else's skill set (i.e. organizational talents, getting up at dawn, thinking nice thoughts in the morning, loving to garden, understanding politics, being a "hottie" with ripped abs- etcetera) you get the point.
• Watching WAY less television and listening to entertaining if not ALWAYS educational podcasts on my Nano instead.
• My favorite new smartification this year has been having a blog!!!  Of course, that comes with all the pitfalls of wasting huge chunks of my book reading time. But reading your exciting blogs and writing my own silly one has in fact made me just a tiny wee bit more intelligent! Yeah!  That's progress baby! 
  

But then today as I was trying to "shop smarter" by avoiding Wal-Mart and all its pitfalls of money sucking temptations, I think I did something wrong.  I've been enjoying running by BRAUM'S(an ice cream and fast food restaurant chain) for their hormone free milk and eggs for a while now.  Then they expanded their store to include one produce/meat aisle and one more tiny freezer then a couple shelves of bread, cereal and chippies.  This all sounds perfectly harmless and even convenient for a drive by situation.  But apparently people don't go there for their entire grocery load.  I got a cart and filled it with several meals worth of items, all the while patting myself on the back for the uncharacteristic speed in which I was gathering groceries.  

Then, I turned the tiny corner to the checkout station and started laying out my food.  The store manager came over and excitedly said "Have you heard of our special?!"  I said "No."  And she proceeded to tell me that with a $20 dollar purchase or more, and I was surely going to hit that mark, haha, I would receive a FREE ice cream accessory product.  A what?  She explained that meant popsicles or nutty bars or something.  Not a tub of ice cream, but an accessory that would look nice with(?) it.  

"Ok." I smiled and went to grab an accessory.  Then she finished ringing me up and her eyes lit up like she had just pulled the lever on her cash register and hit the jackpot.  I strolled over, nutty bars in hand, and went for my debit card, when she had another epiphany right there in front of all of us.  I had just bought the most groceries in a fast food restaurant that she had apparently seen someone purchase in her few months as manager.  She said "WAIT A MINUTE!  You are allowed a free ice cream accessory product for EVERY twenty dollars you spend here!  I suddenly realized I  needed to go pick out three more accessories for an entirely blinged out fleet of paper grocery sacks full.  

Now that she too had counted up how many  treats I had earned with my 7 minute shopping spree, the nice lady was beside herself with thoughts of sales awards and promotion.  She rushed over to the freezer section and started telling me all the combinations I could get and what they were worth.  I accepted one of the combinations after she stressed how entirely $free$ they were, but at this point I was actually getting a little shocked and embarrassed.  

I felt like spotlights were on me and confetti had just fallen from the ceiling tiles from the extravagantly UN-clever way I had just bought all my groceries at a FAST FOOD JOINT! 

 Oh, the shame I felt as Joyce-I knew Ms. Manager by name now- summoned an ice cream scooping young man over to help me with my sacks and sacks of her grateful merchandise.  As she handed me my receipt, she gave me a full eye contact locked gaze and said "We surely appreciate YOU".  What could I say back but how much I felt the same(But thinking "What on earth have I done.  And where did all of these balloons come from."). 

This scene didn't have an intelligent feel to it at all.  In fact, I was shaken to the core as to how "last year" this type of behavior surely must be for me.  

Once I thought it out though, I did have quite a few meal options and other than the ice cream bars and the impulse Cheetos purchase (that no doubt took me over the edge into the fourth free accessory item), they were all fairly healthy. 

 And if I were at Wal-Mart, wouldn't it have taken me that earlier 7 minutes to park and enter the building then another hour of zoned out strolling through each department getting a lot more of basically the same stuff in lesser quality?  Maybe. Yes. But why wouldn't I run into other budget conscious people whilst shopping at Braums if this were true?  Yep, that's what I thought.  Not too real intelligent now is I?  Ah well, it IS a process?  Now.  Who'd like a nice cold accessory?  I have plenty!

They're COMING!!!!

Oooh, it's a dark and gloomy Tuesday morning and I just had a quick scare.  It is the season of Spring that gets me on edge.  What was that?  Oh, I thought that piece of fuzz in the corner was a spider.  WAIT!   I just blew on it and it IS!!  Oh man, here we go! 

 

That was just one reenactment of how Spring recently started for me.  Oh sure, I love the flowers in full bloom on the trees outside my house.  I love that little glimmer of interest I get in gardening when the weather is perfectly temperate.  I love taking the kids to the park leisurely glancing over my book at them as one continually rescues the other from a perilous hanging from high places on the jungle gym, feet scrambling and screaming.  Oh the pure bliss of fresh air and outdoors and silly offspring!  *INHALE*

But then there ARE those bugs.  First it's the flies.  Then a butterfly or two-but who doesn't like those really? Now, my nemesis the grasshopper has arrived back in town. I know this because one almost caused me to make a scene in the entrance at Wal-Mart yesterday as I started to barrel in for groceries.  There HE was, as long as my middle finger and just as vicious a gesture, daring me to cart around him on either side.  I didn't have the proper birth I needed to safely pass him so I froze abruptly.  And just stared, wondering if we could go yet another day without groceries.  Then, I looked around to see if  anyone was taking notice of my dilemma.  Sadly, I mean, ahem, fortunately, no one shared my quandary.  So I slowly backed the cart away from the hideous stiff backed mirador and went in front of the checkers clearly shaken that even my fluorescent lit "indoors" is no reprieve from the creachsters of Spring.

 But alas, when it's time for the spiders to rear their ugly heads and head  right into my house, there really is no safety for Shan anymore.  I'm on edge and I'm wearing shoes(and maybe gloves)-at all times. 

 Last year at some point, and I don't know if Jamey believes me on this one, I had developed such a keen eye for spiders I could ALWAYS find one( my record was three at once-shiver) just sitting by the baseboards, ready to dart at first look.  And no, I'm not crazy I killed several of these such evil-doers myself out of desperation to escape their venomous clutches! 

You see here at my house, the ONLY spider that ever wants to actually live with us is the BROWN RECLUSE!  The same ROTyourFlesh RECLUSE that almost killed my hearty chihuahua a few years ago!  These are not the dear sweet Julia Robert's voiced Charlotte's that add personality(if you go for that sort of thing)to your garden.  Nope.  These are slightly more cupboard hiding and well...FLESH ROTTING!!  So I wear shoes because I want to keep my toes, as silly as it sounds. And, as soon as I see the second brown and ugly, I'm fogging the place-ECO or not!

A Somewhat true and truly long tale about myself

I haven't been particularly inspired to write anything lately but I'm about to leave my computer for a long weekend and I DID want to give a tiny bit of an advertisement for the local playhouse in town. 

 

Last Saturday, Ratchetboy and I went to the Sager Creek Arts Center to see a dear young friend of ours make her acting debut in a play called " The Somewhat True Tale of Robin Hood".  It was REALLY entertaining!  I can highly recommend this youth production!!  Not only is one of the fawning ladies perfectly fetching, but the whole play is actually quite lol funny!

Ahhhh, the Sager Creek Arts Center.  

 There's something about that place that can really bring out the "Big Shan" in me!

 The second I walk in that door I AM CONFIDENCE!  I am a public relations specialist.  I am a  Resident Thespian workin' that lobby like a one woman show!  I have no idea why this happens but it's magical :D.

Probably because I  myself have performed on that very stage as a Dog, a Prop director, a Russian man, a Can-can dancer, and a Quilter!  And it was all BAD! Well, some of the shows were Ok (in a 'Waiting for Guffman' kinda way).  And I was particularly good as a Russian man!    It's not anywhere close to Broadway (well, actually it's quite close to a street called Broadway but you know what I mean.) It IS however The Thee-ah-tah, and a place where I can be...well a dog and other stuff like.. er...Hmmm.  That's where the magic part comes in I guess! 

   A few weeks ago the job announcement of Executive Director of The Sager Creek Arts Center, MY Arts Center(coo), came across my e-mail and I became momentarily lost in all the new and clever ways I was going to run that place!  I had fresh ideas for funding and recruiting local interest groups including our towns large population of  home schoolers!  I WAS ON FIRE FOR THIS POSITION!!  I was yelling "Can I get an Amen!" to myself in the shower as I thought out all the possibilities.  I even raced downtown and asked the ladies there about the opening Big Shan style while they looked at me sideways and handed me the same job description I had already received, and gave a casual request for a resume'. 

 A couple days later when I was jotting down notes for my cover letter, I realized "Wait a minute! You don't want a job during the Summer!  Sure, the kids are in school NOW but soon very soon they will be home all 30 of those hours you are mentally committing to and you don't even WANT a job right now. For that matter, when have you ever run a business before in your life? Done a spreadsheet?  You don't really even understand the concept of a budget!!  Just because you could play the part of an Executive Director in a bad local production of  'The Theatre Company' doesn't mean you could actually do it!" DOH! 

 Delusions of Grandeur or just too much time on my hands?  Both? Ok, yes. I'm stickin' with my "magic of the stage" theory on this one. 

 

 

For the most part in real life I tend to go the shy and quiet route avoiding as much "hands on" time with strangers as possible.  I have been known to do things like NOT go to hairstylists if they work alone and rely on ME for conversation throughout the appointment.  Sometimes I won't even brave the grocery store in my town that provides the service of carrying one's bags 40 paces to the car because of the silent pressure to mention the weather or the heaviness of my food  to the young sacker walking my bags out to the car.  Who could possibly stress about this?  I'm a little bit of a paradox that way.

 I guess it's the off off broadway small talk combining with shyness that really makes me nervous.  I can come across as uber-confident in a crowd, a crowded theatre perhaps. But separate me from the pack and I'm a wounded wildebeest gimping along with all of my achilles heals gleaming, well exposed in the sun.  And let me tell you that can be pretty eye catching in a parking lot. 

 Once I get past that initial level of interaction with people in person I tend to do a little better with the chit chat.  At this point in our aquaintence,  I would definitely let you do my hair.  But, don't expect to be invited over for dinner (especially if you know nothing about hair and I'm recovering from our last get together)  because I would still feel like I need to at least somewhat impress you with my house and/or culinary offerings.

  And since I prefer self deprecating to impressing any day of the week,  I'll simply say I'm just not woman enough to entertain well at this juncture in our friendship. 

If however you have hung around long enough to get to know the girl I've often referred to as "Big Shan" a.k.a. "The Shan", or if I met you at the Arts Center,  you may not be able to remember that there is a shy bone in my body and you may even begin at this point to wish there was, or at least wish for  a quieter one.  "Just one, Biggie Shans? Can you please just tone the amp back down to 10 this one time?"  I hear ya. 

Oh dear, I've gotten terribly sidetracked and  started yet another counseling session with myself when that was clearly not the purpose of this post.  I DO apologize.  

  

So, this weekend, run don't walk good townfolken!  And take YOUR kids to see a fun version of Robin Hood. It plays Friday and Saturday night @ 7:00 and has a matinee at 2:00 on Sunday.  I promise not to be there!!!