OHHH Life

....is bigger.

Bigger than you

And you are not me.

..But that was just a dream

Try, cry, why try?

That was just a dream

Just a dream, just a dream

Dream

When the day is long,

and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, Lord,

Count your blessings.

The papers wouldn't lie!

I sigh, not one more.

It's been a bad day.
Please don't take a picture.
It's been a bad day.
Please.

I've got R.E.M. running through my head this morning for some reason so I looked them up and smashed some songs together. I never really realized how sad and depressing a lot of their songs are. [Thoughtful pause] Still cool though~very cool indeed. And apparently they knew what was really going on-a bunch of sad stuff you just can't do much about.

Well, it's the end of the world (and R.E.M.) as we know it. But I feel fine. (fine, fine)

Okay, I can't stop. Since my brain IS 80% song lyrics, I guess this is to be expected.

I just can't get out of my head how rough times have gotten for most of my loved ones lately. Where are all the lighthearted sitcom circumstances? All the shiny happy people laughing? It's hard to find it amid the job loss, money lacking, sickness and death we've been seeing around here lately. If there's comedy, it tends to be dark or short lived.

Hold on.

This is not the kind of change we were hoping for! (Oops, that was campaign slogan banter, sorry.)

Back to the jumble in my head. I'm starting to wonder if the Lord is allowing more people to pass away so fewer are here to worry as even harder times come. Or is the crowd only thinning lately from my perspective? My aging self.

This weekend as we watched a dear cousin suffer a fatal heart attack during our yearly Red Rock Canyon reunion, I found myself thinking "And now, of course, THIS is happening." I didn't feel surprise-just more sadness. More grief for those suffering.

Why does praying not seem like quite enough?

If I thought latch hooking a rug would help in these times of grief, by gum I'd be turning out tacky mats by the dozen! I just don't seem to know what to do with myself to aid in this pain. I guess I'll just have to keep praying and work on being a blessing to others rather than a burden(says the dramatic high maintenance diabetic.)

Consider this, consider this:

Everyone around, love them, love them.

Where tomorrow shines, gold and silver shine.

Throw your love around.

Happy, happy.

And on that note:

This one goes out to the one(s) I love.

(My apologies to R.E.M. for what just happened.)

XOXOX

The nose knows what time it is

Don't let me startle you showing up blogside unannounced. I just thought I'd jot down an observance I made while going over some photos from a recent family trip.

I took a few of the usual "See, look, we've left the house!" pics of the various things we saw and experienced while on our getaway to Big Cedar.(BEAUTIFUL place, by the way.)

But now I'll deviate to the less predictable but palpably deeper reason I'm here.

Upon checking the pic my mom took of the hubby and myself, I happened to notice my nose had taken a stronger role on my face than it normally does. In the first photo I chalked it up to indiscriminate posing but then it went on to repeat its flared looks in each shot to follow. I'm not sure what this means. I don't even think it seems bigger than usual in that way that people say your nose keeps growing as you age. I just found it to be more nostril forward.

(I've got flare)

I wonder why my face is morphing before my eyes- under my eyes. I didn't feel I was the least bit stressed or strained, fatter or thinner than I was a smooth-nostriled couple months ago. It was simply as if I now found the world to be just a tiny bit stinkier than before. And you know what? Maybe. I. do.

Now, what about you? Is your nose behaving? Have you glanced in the mirror recently and seen a droopy eyed sharp shnozzed guy or gal gazing back? Perhaps there are two of you now?

Maybe this is just what forty-two looks like for me without the use of daily moisturizer. I rather hoped I'd age like a fine cheese since I eat so much of it, but apparently I'm taking a more of a Pete's Dragon approach to the decades ahead. Hey, at least I've got some tufted pink hair in my future! Now, off to practice my harmless quizzical look.

Smell you later,

Shans

**For more titillating topics like this, join me next time when I ponder visibly whether or not my newly bending pinky finger keeps bending.

Putting on my game face and my birthday suit

Well, I guess it was time. Time to get my Eyeore on and whip out some summer time malaise. Hey, if that opening line doesn't leave you begging for more then, I don't know HOW to please you.

You know, I made it through non-camping like the hotel staying champ I am and didn't feel the least bit stressed all week. The persnickety little D checked his troubles at the fish farm door and had the happiest week he's had in a long time. We were thrilled at the way that boy entertained himself in a 4x6 baby pool hour after hour! Water truly has a way of soothing a child with sensory issues. And, as I have been reading in my book about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome characteristics, MANY of these kids are attracted to it in the same way our boy is. Fascinating.

Happy Camper

I didn't manage to blog while on the trip because, well, I was watching cable, doing laundry, and eating cheese in my room most nights. That was enough multi-tasking for one gal. And trust me, you would have thought I was in a five star facility the way I enjoyed my ME time each eve. I'm ridiculously simple dahlings.

Until it came to the drive home.

Then, my nerves collectively started acting as if someone had taken a potato peeler to them slowly skim skim skimming away until I just started feeling like someone was repeatedly scaring me. That's not fun, but the part that most bothers me about depression/anxiety is the lack of interest in ANYTHING. I mean pahleese, I struggle with that when I'm perfectly happy! Take the psyche down a couple notches and the mayday alerts start sounding.

But, alas and alak, I talked it out with Jamey and that really did help! He noted that I often don't seem to realize that being a parent to a special need's kid can really wear on a person without her necessarily noticing. Then one day, someone gives you an odd look in the grocery store and you leave with a sackful of paranoid depression you never even put in the cart!

I have been struggling with whether to keep Dev home another year for school when none of the choices we have for him seem perfect. I like that he can concentrate at home better but he has become even less tolerant of groups and noise when we are around them on small occasions. I guess we'll know more about the new small school in town after our meeting at the first of the month.

Now I am relieved to be mentally perkier- putting things in perspective, remembering that it's my favorite season of the year, that I love my family madly and they love me too, and that God has a purpose for me (yes, even on loser days). I am not alone here and even though I sometimes feel freaky, the reality is life IS occasionally more comparable to a confusing Japanese game show than the board version by Milton Bradley.

Though we might spin the wheel and collect from our chosen career on payday, we can also expect to sometimes feel like we're being repeatedly pelted by giant wet sponges while maneuvering across a slippery punching conveyor belt. "Heey, I think I'm gonna..wait, what's this?!"

It really just depends on the day now doesn't it. And speaking of days, tomorrow is MY special day. So I think I'll hit the sack so I can wake up and enjoy my facebook wishes properly rested. :D

Happy Birthday to Donetta and Dawnetta my b-day buddies!

XO Shan

Getting things straight

Dear Diary,

Lots of things are rattling around in my head today and I don't really know what to zoom in on. I thought I'd come here where we can be alone and jot some things down to ponder whilst away on our trip.

Okay, so first of all. I cried a little tear at the Chiropractor yesterday. Yes, it was totally hormonal -a "pretty" cry- with no makeup lost. They were giving this presentation that involved me looking at x-rays of my curvaceous spine complete with stiff bony neck and the technician telling me that I needed to come in twice a week for 11 weeks-then once a week totalling 64 (yes, sixty-four) treatments to get my spine back in the neighborhood of it's original form and my head not jutting out ahead of the rest of me like a curious but friendly visiting alien's.

After that, of course, I'd have the absolute luxury of only coming once or twice a month for maintenance. Say wha???

While the nice lady spoke, I just kept thinking about all the furniture and home improvements I could buy from Sam's with that imaginary chiro money, and then went on to visualize myself skillfully pedaling a recumbent bike down a winding path for no correlating reason but my own entertainment. I wonder how those are for long-backed ladies with a touch of scoliosis. I really like how it seems like you're just lounging around on them in a comfy laid back position all the while totally moving forward looking at the scenery....or a good book...

Ok, sorry sorry. So, acheybacknonewfurnitureorbike it shall be. AND on to the next issue.

We've now completed one rip-roarin' year of home school, the First Grader and I. And though there actually was a bit of ripping (him ripping pages of work) and roarin' (me losing my complete cool once and a while), we really did get some fairly low stress learnin' in- which was the main goal.

There seemed to be no improvement, however, in his ability to concentrate or follow directions in a group. Even a small out of shape dog sleeping in the room was enough to get his spider senses tingling toward irritation. I still cannot imagine him doing anything but beeping and holding his ears in an actual classroom. If we decide to do second grade at home, I think I'll need a proper curriculum and not the willy nilly seat-o-the pants lesson plans I used this year. Sadly, I seem to be as into teaching as I am most things. Tepidly.

Next item on the block: What's with these extra ten pounds? I het them Ignacio. I het all the extra pounds in the whole world!

Being almost forty-two is not as much fun as being almost forty. I think my chances for being on 'So you think you can dance' may be dwindling to nil at this point. Oh well, at least I've got the Yoga and my homemade hula hoops (Hoopsuckers, Shizameters) with which to strengthen my back and middle. I think I'll make one for Susu (my only niece) and take them on our trip.

I threw that video in for you Diary, because I know you like the cinema. ;)

Speaking of "our trip", we are leaving for Illinois in a couple days and will be gone for an entire week of camping/non-camping. I do the latter while the rest of the family stays in tents, don'tcha know. It is Jamey's Granny Clayberg's fish farm where J's fam stayed for months at a time while missionaries on furlow in the States. Granny passed away this past year so it will be an emotional last trip to the place they all know so well.

I like how the five oldest cousins run around that place like a pack of wolf boys. They fish, have air-soft battles, play games like Kick-the-can, and have all kinds of old school fun. The younger boy and girl cousins kinda join in here and there and play with each other while my little loner wanders around the adults playing with water and trying to braid all the camping equipment together into one giant pulley system. He is kind of in an "Uh, I have nothing to do." state right now so he and I may be taking some field trips into the neighboring farm towns to see what we can see. I am actually a little bit looking forward to soaking in the sun and trolling around in the boat with a fishing pole. This is a new feeling for me but I am trying to go with it.

That's all for now, Diary, as even you will tire of me if I can't learn to nip it. I might bring my faithful Lappy along and try to record some of our trip for the ages.

Thanks for letting me hash things out with you.

Evermore,

S

The elephant story in the room

Today I shall break my nine month silence for no other reason than-- Heeh, why not? It wasn't like I was monking it (the verb) on purpose or anything.

I guess it's possible, however, that I've lost my more flowery presentation style while off non-blogging. But I figure now that it's been this long, very few will see my soft re-entry into posting and I can quickly slip back into the blog waters like a svelte Olympic diver-all pointy toed and serious. Bloop.

Aaaand, now that I've managed to liken myself to an olympic monk in a few short sentences, I guess I'll get to the real reason for being here. Showing off my offspring!!

Yes, I wanted to post a blurb of Big G's writing on my blog so I'll have a mini journal of this stuff and also so grandmas and friends alike can take a peek at what he's working on this summer. I read the first 15 pages of his book (on his laptop-not by feather pen) this morning and really loved it! Forget, I do that he has such a way with words and vocabulary! He's just thirteen but already can really describe and develop characters and events that seem so mature. I shall make great effort to cheer him on to completing this one.

Here's the very beginning of his book which I'm not sure if he's named yet, but is about a group of elephants who practice "Timbo-Kwon-Do" and are called upon to use this ancient elephant art form for the greater good or something totally awesome like that. Teeheehee.

I'm going to say goodbye for now up here because below this cut-and-paste-in my font gets all messed up if I try to type and it looks like a continuation of the story. It's fun being back though! Hope to see you 'round the blogs this summer!! ~Shan

Prologue

Dawn was arriving in the jungles of Africa, awakening wildlife to its majestic scenery. Monkeys were screeching, birds were squawking, all unaware of the events of the day. In a sun filled clearing, a lone male elephant treaded through the lush, green grass, searching for a drink. His long trunk guided him with the scent of clean, life-giving water. The elephant pushed on, unaware of the figures surrounding him. Hidden by the thicket, they closed in on the unsuspecting mammal. They stopped at the edge of the bracken, and paused. All was silent, except for the distance sounds of wildlife. Sensing that danger was near, the elephant froze. Their was a moment of silence... and the elephant hurled his five ton bulk into the bracken, accurately sending a man flying with a thrust of his foot. He was perched on his back feet, his front feet still outward from the strike. He backflipped through the air, with impossible agility for the largest land mammal in the world. When he landed he struck again, knocking another two figures away with a double punch. The male elephant was more than twice the men's height, and they stood no chance against the amazingly powerful animal. One by one they were sent flying from a kick or punch, their weapons cast away into the dense African woodland. Once his work was finished, the male elephant relaxed his bulky frame, and continued his search for water.

** Jamey just shared cloud technology with me so now I can put up the first six chpts. he's gotten done ;) Here's the link: http://cl.ly/312J1N1D0L320A233q2Q