Friday, February 15, 2008

Addicted to Cornography

Hi  studs and ruffles!  Well I don't wear ruffles either so just relax.  You can't really take any of the pet names I come up with for serious or you'd probably have a serious complex!  We've had to deal with this as a family for a while now as I tend to just call out whatever word or phrase  that comes to mind (free association style) to get the job done.  I realize this is probably just a creative way to get around short term memory loss in a dignified (who am I kidding) manner.  But, you do what you can to keep the flow of conversation going on those half brain days now don'tcha?  There are times when I can't string a sensical sentence together so I just fill in the blanks with descriptions and hope whoever I'm talking to can patch it up neatly in their more cerebral minds as I stumble along. 

 In my early years of marriage I was once talking away to my Mother-in-law and I replaced so many standard words in a sentence with 'Shannon filler' that she just looked at me confused and said "What?".   Maybe she thought I was really smart or something and  then surmised that her boy had surely married up.  But, something tells me it wasn't "up" she was necessarily thinking that day.

I guess it's the name replacement that actually tends to get me in trouble and may in fact scar my children in the end.  My eldest boy Ratchet pointed out that I always get on to him and his brother by calling out strangely sweet names in a scolding voice like "ANGEL STICKERS!!" or DOLL FEATHERS NOOOO!  Sometimes it's just two food items put together, which maybe I default to when I'm hungry, like "POPCORN PICKLES BE MORE CAREFULL!!"  Do you feel sorry for my children yet?  I'm starting to. 

 The scarring will probably show up in a few years when  young Dandy learns the facts of life and has questions about his peeparoni and cheese.  I've already had to explain to Ratchet that "personals" are actually called "breasts" on a ruffle(refined lady).  Maybe I blog so I can make some changes in my behavior. :{ Whoa. 

 Here is the latest example of improper name slinging that I really shouldn't share because I'm normally  quite the ruffle myself(small wheeze). 
 Last night,  Jamey was saying goodnight to Dandy and asking him if he was different things just to be silly(all appropriate 5yr old jokes at this point), when I felt the need to chime in and say " Are you a CORNHOLER?"  Of course Dandy just said no and he and I moved on when Jamey's mouth came open and asked me if I knew what I was calling my young son.

  I was really just recalling an episode of  'Arrested Development' we had recently watched where the family in the show was trying to use this faulty hushpuppy machine(the "Cornballer") their dad had tried to market but it burned everyone that attempted to use it (funny stuff-love that show may it R.I.P.).  Also, my brain mixed that with an old Beevis and Butthead bit in my head where one of them called the other one "Cornholio".  And, not really understanding then either that it was a rude bottom comment, I found it stayed with me through the ages.  I probably shouldn't watch cable.

So immediately and casually (AND sadly still in front of the five year old) I explain the jumble in my thoughts as
 " I was just meaning like in Regis and Butthole". 
That explaination sent my husband into giddy laughter and I had to just take my little pumpkin pepper pie off to bed, leaving him with a heartfelt prayer for his tiny delicate life.  It's all you really CAN do when your own voice betrays you time and time again.  Well, prayer for the children you're currently warping, and a little toning down of the colorful language I suppose would help as well.  Owning the behavior is the first step to recovery after all isn't it?  It's not too late for me.  


Tally said...

That was a good one, Shan-shan-sheroo! Oh BTW, if that nickname bugs you (I sing it in my head more times than you know) I give you, and only you, permish to call me by my second most hated childhood family nickname....Tritty Tritty Bang Bang. Are we even now? I thought so. My first most remains a secret, which I'll tell you later.

The Shan said...

I like our new Dick Van Dyke nicknames! You know I've had a crush on him for a while now. A goodly looonng while. Those'll be nice when we're not feelin' our more recently coined country music nn's eh?

Sara said...

Good hea-vens, that was fu-huny!! I can hear you cackling away, feebly trying to explain away the horror of having even SAID 'cornholer'.
I am not without guilt when it comes to nicknames gone wrong. I was changing Simons diaper one day and cooing away at him when I said "My little cucumber. Mommy loves your little cucumber". I didn't think anything of it until my mother in law suggested it was perhaps in bad taste. oops.
I'm a bit giddy, myself, to be in the blogland.

Koi said...

Regis and Butthole? I'm still giggling. I can barely type.
Please do try and sensor yourself around the 5 year old.

I'll never forget the dinner party when my oldest announced while standing on his chair that his butt crack stinks. Maybe I should sensor myself too.

AfricaBleu said...

ShAN-NON--no, you din't!!! (Giant guffaw)
Reminds me of the first time my mom said "Well, so-and-so shot his wad with ME" around Casey. He turned white with horror and grabbed me aside, asking, "Does your mom know what that means?" Which prompted me to march back in and ask if her. As the light began to dawn on her, she got flustered and said, " of tobbacky--why, I've heard that expression used ALL MY LIFE."

Cornholer...(Shaking head)

dean r said...

hehe, no change a thing with the sweetie nicknames.
have a good weekend!

Jamey Clayberg said...

Haaaa. I was there and your description is right on... Regis indeed.