Wednesday, March 5, 2008

THE WINNER TAKES ALL...of my cash (Walk off results)

Well sports fans (read: Nutrition Nerds), I know you've been on pins and needles waiting the for the official data of my vitamin battle to emerge. Sadly, it didn't take a month to see a clear winner between what appeared to be fairly well matched competitors. They each had their own strengths. Both came in eye enticing bottles promising health, wealth and prosperity with every serving. And, though the Natures Plus-Ultra Source of Life Liquid seemed to have much higher quantities of each vitamin, mineral, and boasted of whole foods and herbs and such, Vibe claims to have a revolutionary way of delivering its nutrients by changing the molecule size for total absorption of the supplement. And it has some impressive antioxidant rating that is talked way up in the brochure about the product.

At this bit of analysis they both came out on the cat walk looking pretty fine in their stats. They made it down the runway and gave their first poses. "OK! looks like we've got REAL talent here people!" Then I got a good look at each of them outside of their tidy containers. Whoa! It was suddenly like looking at Glenda the good witch standing next to Elphaba the wicked witch of the West! The reigning champ sat looking like the condensed form of a huge bowl of delicious fruits, benignly amber in color and pleasant in aroma. While the challenger sat green and mucousy, trying to pull the medicine cup around itself to shield it from the light. It was like a bubbling swamp of raw elements and smelled like mashed up minerals and pennies. BA-LECK!

Then came time for the tasting. Yes, healthy things are green and yes, even unpleasant at times, so this was no time to be prejudice. I clothed the green witch with a swatch of orange mango juice and down the hatch she went. "Eew." I said and went on with my day. This continued for about 2-3 days if memory serves (which it clearly doesn't let's face it) and I DID have a noticeable amount of energy those days and felt simply charmed by the green goddess and her sludgy sauciness.

This charm however was exactly that. And charms are the devils work. On the fourth day(or third, I can't remember) suddenly my green vitamin drink rose up in the glass and gave me her most vicious of poses just as I was tipping her back and I nearly spat her right out on the floor with an "EEWWWW!!" It was getting grosser and more abhorrent with every sip like a changeling who could no longer hold her shape!

The next day I simply couldn't face her. And how I longed for my $60.00 beauty of months past. Yes, I couldn't help but reminisce those fond but expensive days in Munchkinland where I'd pour myself some delicious Vibe making it "tall" by adding a full glass of water to dilute and enjoy a healthy leggy beverage of nutritives. A true winner holding her title by a tastebud.

And the moral of this shallow tale...

If one cannot pay the price of vanity, but cannot in turn bear the shame of liquid ugliness, Then one must taketh thy health by fork and pill.   
 - The Shan


Tally said...

AWESOME analogies!!! Great writing Shan! I could care less about liquid vitamins, but you had me HOOKED! (btw, I'm trying to care more lately....)

Jamey Clayberg said...

Vibe would never try to pull the medicine cup around itself to shield out the light, Vibe is made of light! Liquid light! All One!

WendyJanelle said...

Hahaha! This is great writing. So funny!!!

(jumped from Tab)

Sara said...

Where have you been HIDING this talent of writing, Shannon!! Maybe its the VIBE thats bringing it out!

Kat said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by. Can you believe the conditioner thing? I am amazed by it too. It does take a while for your hair to acclimate, but once it does it's all good.

I may have to try this vibe stuff. I have never been able to commit to a pill, but I know that I should look into a good multi-vitamin. Maybe this will do the trick.

And whenever you are ready to try home schooling give me a holler. I'm in the process of writing some programs and lessons. I used to be a public school teacher so I'm hoping to put all that education into good use.