Sunday, August 10, 2008

Now I lay me down to sleep....

Finally something happened today that I can't blame on "The Diabetus" as we like to call it.   I have been suffering from an inability to blog this week and it's not really even from being too busy or preoccupied.  I simply haven't been able to form sentences.  I'm still struggling with it as I lumber through this post.  And it's a little startling to see myself attempting to explain something in my usual long winded way, but getting nothing useful and erasing time and time again.  

It seems I've been slowly exfixiated (no not exfoliated, spellcheck but thanks for trying to help) by something toxic underneath this room.  It has gotten so bad that last night when a friend was over, she even said it was giving her a headache.  I must admit my lungs feel like they've been chemically burned and my throat has been getting sore as well.  I hope whatever that was has not actually done permanent damage to my grayer than usual brain.  Some days my bulbs are brighter than others so it's hard to tell-durn diabetus.

I started combing the place today in desperation trying to find the source of this ever increasing smell.  It is so chemical, like a bug bomb or I don't know, Agent Orange or something.  It's not an organic smell like dead possum or a misplaced broccoli crown. (Btw, try to keep track of your broccoli.) 
 No, This is skull and bones toxic!  It burns the insides of my throat and makes my brain pulse.  Did I already mention that?  I'm still suffering fume damage you know.  

Jamey went under the house today because the smell had only intensified and I had checked everything I could think of that could possibly be a source up here.  Well, botta bing!  The toxic odor was even worse under there and he found a rusted can that was leaking and fuming like crazy.  YIKES!  How many brain cells and years have I just lost due to that thing? I DONT KNOW I'VE BEEN CHEMICALLY ALTERED!!! Papa, can you hear me?...... 

If THIS turns out to be the cause of my eventual cancer I will be so annoyed.  I had it all planned that I would strictly blame the deadly aspartame/saccharin  combo I've been using in my coffee for years.  But now I just won't know.   I feel like I've been poisoned and the epidermis of my communication center was the first layer burned off.  

My only hope now is that by breathing this toxin for several days, I have begun to develop some sort of super power.  I realize I didn't actually fall into a vat of chemicals but I wouldn't want THAT much of an altering anyway.  Perhaps something more discreet and less angry than green skin or a joker's grin would be nice.  Maybe I'll notice I'm a little more stretchy than usual.  That could help with housework and such. Or, if I'm lucky, I'll  suddenly be able to cook food with my pointed finger.  That might be marketable.  I could be called KeBabs!, or The Human Skewer. This could  surely excite people who watch  the Food network channel.  

More likely I'll suffer lung rot and my power will just be spitting green wads of acid at weeds in my yard or something equally non-heroic.  I'll try to note any new developments and keep you informed of physical alterings.  I did take a pretty long nap today but now that I think about it that's not really newsworthy at all.  

We've got the doors open and other than the throat burning, I think my head is beginning to clear up a little so only time will tell.  This could be the end to my career as a wedding singer. But then again Janis Joplin got a lot of gigs with her rasp so maybe I'll just have to limit myself to Rod Stewart songs and  keep scratchin' it out until all of my friends are happily married.  "Faw  ha hawa eva Young".  

And now all I can do (other than spike and bleach my hair of course) is pray the Lord my soul and lungs to keep another day.  Have a fresh Monday my friends!  XOXO

15 comments:

Tally said...

Woweee! I'm so glad Jamey found the culprit! And thank God for sensitive sniffers. Sorry about your lungs. Hopefully they'll recover quickly. The body is amazing that way.

And don't forget I drank kerosene when I was 3, and look at me now! You'd never guess, huh?

MmeBenaut said...

Oh Shan, you are a riotous circus! You have me laughing raucously. I'd love to hear you do the whole suite of Rod Stewart singing American songs. I have that CD in my car - I lurve his voice, have done every since I heard Maggie May when I was 15!
Very glad that Jamey has solved the problem. Following your mental processes down the highway of speculation was fascinating though.
Welcome back to blogland dear, we missed you!

Jenna Jean said...

I am so curious what the can was!? It wasn't another can of dog food was it? :)

AfricaBleu said...

Oh Jenna, the maggot dog food! What COULD you possibly be keeping in a can that would foam, Shan? Did your littlest one create some hideous science experiment that went horribly, horribly wrong and so he hid it under the house? (I thought he looked a little Incredible Hulkish when we were bowling the other day.) He's smart, that way . . . (Hence shall we call him Dr. Frankenstein ?)

Shan said...

Yes Trisha! It just kept getting worse! And, I'm trying to decide if I AM comforted about your kerosene incident. You DO seem to have heroic entertaining skills so....

Oh Mme, If only we'd known each other when you and M.B. said your vows, I could have pranced around in tight pants singing "Wake up Maggie I think I've got sumpin' ta say to you". That would have been so sweet.

J.J. Can you believe the smells I've endured lately. I'm truly on overload here. I really can only smell coffee and peanut butter this morning, so you can imagine my relief.

B.B. We cannot, I repeat cannot actually blame either d - (diabetes or Dandy) for this dumming down of the Shan. It was either a can of spray paint or bug killer that had gone horribly wrong right down below me. It had been down there so long J couldn't tell, but he said it was an aerosol type deal. And, because there are slits between the boards in this room I was getting the full swoon effect.

Suzanne said...

Sorry....but your expense is our entertainment. :)

dive said...

Yikes, Shan! That is truly scary. It's also strangely hilarious.
It's a pity it turned out to be bug spray or aerosol paint; that restricts your potential superpower to smiting bugs with a pointed finger (still pretty cool) or spray-tagging SHAN RULES all over town with a wave of your hand.

As I don't have a dead possum to hand I'm going to have to go home and leave a head of broccoli in the shed for a while, just to test its efficacy as an offensive weapon. Thanks for the tip.

Shan said...

Suzanne, your expense is quite often my entertainment so that's only fair. ;)

Dive, unattended broccoli smells like dirty baby diaper in case you are wondering. With your sniffer I know you would never experience it yourself so I thought I should share. I mustn't forget the descriptives for the nasally challenged reader.

Lynette said...

Asphyxiation: To cause to die or lose consciousness by impairing normal breathing, as by gas or other noxious agents; choke; suffocate; smother.

Huffing: (Slang) To inhale the fumes of a volatile chemical or substance as a means of becoming intoxicated.

Take your pick - neither sounds appealing. Thank GOD you're okay. I was going to suggest mold because it's a silent killer. But for you to actually smell it, it had to be terrible. I'm a super smeller, taster, hearer... all my senses are over the top. So that would have driven me insane.

Again - glad you're okay.

Jamey Clayberg said...

Ha ha, we're not so Fawa Eva Young after that incident! And just to clarify it was a whole (wet and sodden) cardboard box full of cans, so it may have been a comic book level mad scientist mixture of super-power bestowing uber-stank. Or deadly...

Maria said...

Holy cow. Once we had a mouse die in our radiator in the office and I thought that I was going to die too. But, how LUCKY that Jamey found the culprit!

It always amazes me how toxic those bug sprays are. I once managed to spray myself in the face with one (yes, I am that dense, I actually had it turned around the wrong way...a true Maria moment) and now I am certain that this will be my demise.

Scout said...

How scary! My office is in my basement, but it's an exposed corner of it so I have two large windows. Still, I wonder about the mold and mildew I can smell from time to time, and I think about radon now and then. The world can be a very dangerous place.

Hope your bulb brightens soon and that this stupid rusty can doesn't leave permanent scars.

Missy said...

Holy crap - that is truly frightening! Who would put a whole box of aerosol cans underneath a house like that? And why??? I'm glad you guys figured it out and everyone is ok.

For some reason, while I was reading this I kept thinking of the TMNT. If you start developing some mad ninja skillz, you'll be sure and let us know, right?

neetzy said...

My occupational hazards include clay dust, photo chemicals, oil paint solvents. I worry constantly about what they are doing to my body. I had a chest X-ray and found out the lungs are fine. I don't think one can under the house could do too much damage. Good luck and I don't care if spellcheck doesn't work your writing is amazing!

savannah said...

yikes, sugar! i've been remiss in my reading, but i am so glad you're ok! as i was reading, i kept thinking i hoped you called your city haz-mat team to check it out and dispose of the materials safely!

ok, with all of that said, you are too funny for words, hon! xoxoxox